Being a mum is everything but it’s also not enough. I know some girls grow up wishing and looking forward to being mothers, some even can’t wait till they can be a stay at home mum but personally this is not what I thought I would be doing at the age of 20. Yes I wanted kids but I also wanted to be working, I wanted to be going somewhere and right now I feel like I’m stuck.
Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t change having my baby girls for the world but I am definitely struggling with adapting to this life. I struggle with the guilt I feel daily, I struggle with the lack of motivation I have to get out of bed most days, I struggle with not feeling good enough, I struggle with so much that alot of days I just want to curl up and hide. I don’t, every morning I get out of bed and get my baby girl, she doesn’t know that mummy wanted to hide under the blankets and pretend like she was gone, all she knows is that her mumma got her up and cuddled her. During the day I can’t wait till nap time but she doesn’t know that, she just sees mummy playing with her and feeding her, she sees mummy tending to her needs and demands with (most of the time) a smile or a few kind words.
I have days where I question if I’m enough for her, if she deserves a better mum, if I’m a good partner, if it’s worth it. Those days are super hard for me. The worst thing about having depression and anxiety and being a mum is you know you have it right but you can’t control it. You know that to your little one, you are amazing but your brain tells you different. It makes you question everything. It’s arguing with yourself over every decision and every action. It’s hating life but also knowing you have to stay.
Motherhood is hard without the added mental health issues but with them every day is it’s own fight. Motherhood is laughter, joy, baby cuddles, being relied on, love and so much good but it is also constant judgement, unwanted advice, dirty looks, being unappreciated, and feeling like you have no control. The worst part about it is that alot of the judgment and unwanted advice comes from other mums. Whether they are strangers, your own family, your partner’s family, your ‘friends’ or anyone else you get it from every aspect of your life. The only thing you can do is be firm and stand your ground and remember no matter who they are it’s not their place, it is your child and you alone make those decisions about what you want for them or don’t want for them.
I will go more in depth about my experience with postpartum depression, PTSD and how it affects me relationship with everyone in my life, next post.