I have been fighting my own mind for most of my life. I have unfortunately been a victim of sexual, emotional and physical abuse for a large part of my life, I was exposed to domestic violence in my own home at a young age, I have been and continue to suffer from PTSD, Anxiety and Depression as a result. I will not sit here and try to pretend like those situations and instances in my past no longer affect me because they do.
Living with such a large history of abuse and being raised with the ideal that “other people have it worse” so I never spoke to anyone about it, then becoming a mother and having Depression, Anxiety and PTSD has been the hardest struggle of my life. I still remember the name of the first boy to ever sexually abuse me and the names of every abuser since, I still remember the layout of every house I witnessed abuse in, I still remember being told that I deserved it or that it was my fault when I spoke to certain people about the abuse. I still blame myself at times because I let it happen. I didn’t speak up, I didn’t walk away, I tolerated and believed that I deserved it and I hate myself more because I did nothing.
Now as a result my relationships with every person around me are strained. I find it hard to be around people, I find it especially hard to allow my daughter around everyone except my own mother and younger siblings. This causes alot of guilt within myself because I feel like I offend people or offend my partner when I am cautious of her going with him and his friends without me, I find it hard to even have her at his families house for long periods of time without me. I hate that I must be seen as controlling or that I have something against his family or him when that is not the case. I’m just petrified that someone will hurt my daughter when I’m not around. I am petrified that I won’t find out somethings happened for years and then hate myself for not doing more to protect her.
I don’t have many friends and find it extremely hard to make friends because I now don’t know how to be or act or speak around others. I find it uncomfortable to be around males on my own even male family members. I now voice my opinion, maybe to much, because I was silenced for so long. I live everyday having to fight my own mind and convince myself that I am enough, that I deserve to be here, that I am not worthless. Yes other people have it worse but that doesn’t mean it isn’t hard.
I live feeling broken and violated and unwanted. I live feeling like everyday is a struggle. I live because of my baby girl who is here and my baby girl in my belly. I live and fight because they need me and that has to be enough.